Just Stick a Pair of Glasses on That Guy and No One Will Be Able to Tell He's Santa!
I was just thinking... Santa would make an awesome superhero, wouldn't he? Sure, our favorite comic companies and TV shows have teased this idea already (Just recently I saw episodes of both My Life as a Teenage Robot and Atomic Betty that had fun with this concept. There was also that JLA issue from the Waid run and wasn't there a Marvel Christmas special where Santa nearly joined the X-men?), but these have all been cameos and one-shot ideas. I'm talking full-time superherodom here. Think about it:
-Santa knows when you've naughty or nice: clearly the man has a spy network to rival that of Batman. But, unlike the OMAC satellite, this espionage network won't be stolen by no horribly-written Maxwell Lord. Partially because Lord's all dead and stuff and partially because he would never risk getting crossed off the nice list. But that's besdie the point. santa has the ability to keep tabs on EVERYONE. That ability has to be the ultimate in crime prevention!
-Santa bribery: Continuing the idea of Santa knowing whether you're naughty or nice, you better believe any crook Santa confronts will repent. Otherwise no Xbox 360 under the tree for them.
-Santa's been around for a long, loooong time: Immortality? Seems so. Might this also include a healing factor? Probably. All those immortals see to heal right quick so it seems a logical connection. And the kids love them those healing factors...
-Santa security: With all the neat goodies the big has to deliver, he's a likely target for thieves. For the security of both himself and the presents, the big guy will obviously have to be able to handle himself in a fight. What a great guy! Willing to put it all on the line just so you can get those Bratz dolls you always wanted!
-Santa's free-time: Just what does he do those other 364 1/4 days of the year when he's not delivering presents? Being the generous guy he is, I figure he doesn't just lounge around on his duff. Instaed, he probably does something helpful and kind. Out on patrol then, looking for crimes to stop? Hmm...
-Santa's mobility: This guy is fast! How else can he hit all the houses of the world in one night? Superspeed to rival that of Superman and the Flash? Time travel abilities that allow him to relive Christmas eve as long as necessary to get the job done? Robot doubles? Why, these are all staples of the superhero genre, ain't they?
-Santa wrapping: With all the presents that need wrapping, I would bet Santa pitches in to help his elves during the Christmas crunch. The guy is probably excellent at wrapping and, by extension... tying! The perfect skill to prevent those pesky thieves from escaping before the authorities show!
-Santa's claws: Yeah, it's an obvious pun. And a bad one. But I can't resist stuff like that. So, Santa has claws now. He's badass. To the extreme!
-Santa's bitchin' wheels!: Okay, that's a bit of a fudge; the sleigh isn't exactly a car and not quite as cool as, say, the Batmobile, but paint some flames on that sucker and it'll be one tricked-out ride! And who doesn't love a superhero with an awesome vehicle.
-Santa's posse: I'm sure Santa's as tough as they come, but when he gets in serious trouble, you better believe he's got back-up: Elves, reindeer and his loving wife. Just give them some knives and shotguns and they'll be able to take anything that comes their way. Or maybe they can be trained to fight bears!
Add in his costume and secret lair up in the North Pole and, clearly, Santa would be an awesome super-hero. Did I miss any other superhero-ish things?
posted by Ken Robinson @ 10:52 AM
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